Play it Real this Holiday Season

Tis the Season, Right? 

Well, for many people the idea of getting with family presents a challenge. “Can we all just get along?”

Therapists love the Holidays because it is job security. When people go home it is easy to pick the old role you use to play when you were a child. It is a survival role and while it may have helped you in some way, it is not who you are today. Here are a few roles people fall into when they return home:

            Hero – If I am good enough it will make everyone feel better and be better

Scapegoat/Rebel – I will take the focus off of the dysfunction in my family and I will be the problem

Clown – I will keep people laughing so they won’t deal with the pain or any serious issues

Mascot – I am the darling of the family, the one that walks in the room and is beloved just because

Lost Child – I escape to my own world using electronics or whatever necessary to avoid interaction

Most people grow out of these roles as we mature and gain more awareness, but the patterns are automatic when we return home or we are under stress. One does not even have to think about these behaviors; they are waiting on you just like an ole familiar comfort zone will.

There is also a pecking order, or in Focus talk a “power model.” Where do you fit in the family hierarchy? Watch how your pets will establish dominance. Who will be the “alpha” dog? The same is true in the family. Who has to establish their position? You may not feel you need to until you find yourself in some meaningless argument that you would have ignored completely in any other situation. In other words, you are not really fighting over who should be President or what team should win in the playoffs, as much as trying to get needs met that did not get met when you were younger. Or it could be the family trying to keep its order, or what is called “homeostasis.” The old order, or homeostasis, is based on old norms when you were younger and not representive of your growth and maturity today.

So this Holiday YOU can take your AWARENESS with you and not get caught up in the “auto pilot,” or comfort zone of the family. BE YOU! BE the Wise, Aware YOU. Avoid the entrapments that can happen as others play out these roles. Remember your boundaries that work for you today and they will work for you at home for the Holidays. Take breaks that allow you to maintain your sense of self and awareness. When you start to feel tension, take a step back and try to see what is really going on. What is your stuff and what belongs to others? It really does help to know your stuff and own it. Be quick to apologize when you do blow it and let others know you are a work in progress. This will model what others can do when they blow it too.

Enjoy your time off and take care of yourself, Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. In Focus terms “find good fuel!”

Merry Christmas and many blessing for the New Year,

H. Wayne McKamie, Jr.

President and Co-Founder of Focus Seminars of KC, INC.

Is your life Love Based or Fear Based?

Training isn’t Over!

Loved Based or Fear Based?

     When we’re asked that question, it can be immediately sobering because we have to go inward to assess before we can answer. At times, so much of our life is in “auto pilot,” and before we can answer that question accurately, we must do a “check-in.” So, “check-in” right now. If you have been coming from a fear based perspective, you will, of course, have a feeling of anxiety or anger, sadness, or even numbness. Keep in mind--it isn’t easy to know if we are fear based because we are all pretty well-guarded. It is our armor that we wear every day to go and do life. Let’s call it our “survival self.” Sometimes it takes a significant event, or for things to build up inside us, before we become aware of what we are feeling. The quickest way to know is to ask … “Am I LOVING?” We will know immediately if we feel loving or not. Often we will say “I’m busy” or “I’m tired” or even “I’m puzzled”, etc...

     But, I am sure of one thing-- and it is that I am always better in my relationships if I am loving.  I am more patient, understanding, sensitive, caring, ALIVE and in the moment. I am more myself.

     So, here is the “given point of choice” … What do you choose for the rest of the day? As you go through this active or inactive day, what is it that you will choose? It is up to you. Go create the day you are made for.

On behalf of the Focus Team I wish all of you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Wayne

President and Founder of Focus Seminars of Kansas City, INC.

You are a GIVER!

 You are a GIVER!

Well, at least at our core we are made to give. We have a natural ability to give to each other. In fact, scientist has demonstrated that giving actually produces positive changes in our body chemistry. We really didn’t need a study to tell us that, because we can all feel that positive feeling when we do give to others. However, there is usually an exception to the rule and that is when we are “enabling.” When giving hurts, it is usually because we are giving in a way that is not healthy. Most of the time we give and we feel a sense of gratification. That’s not the case when we are enabling someone to stay stuck in mediocrity or a dysfunction.

When the patterns of an individual stay entrenched in behavior that is unhealthy it is important for each of us to take a good hard look and ask are we helping or hurting? Are we empowering and individual that is down on their luck or has had some misfortune, or are we keeping someone from growing and learning something they need to learn on their own? Be careful to avoid the victim triad which includes the persecutor, victim, and rescuer. When you are enabling, all the roles can change in an instant. Avoid the rescue (giving) when an individual needs to give to themselves.

This is the giving season. Don’t be afraid to make a difference where a difference needs to be met.

4444’s

Wayne

Being Who You Are

Pam and I are leaving KC this afternoon to join the graduation at Teen Camp 2011. It is a powerful graduation because parents arrive to see their teens after 5 days of being separated. Alot has happened in the 5 days. The teens have spent time going inward and identified barriers in their life that they need to let go of and claimed a "true self", who they are authentically. Who they are without wounds of anger, insecurity, fears, jealousy, guilt, resentments, and victim rolls. The closing of camp is the parents meeting their teen for the first time and they all in a circle called the "Circle of Blessing". The teen shares Who they are and gives (verbally) the "Gifts" they see in each parent. The parent in return share a blessing of 4 types. One Blessing is a word of high value and a word picture... like "a day at the beach", "a lion", "a heart", "energizer bunny", a Star, a Big Ball of Love!... The second Blessing is a blessing of vision or a special future for their teen...The third is a blessing of commitment...and the fourth is a blessing of touch which is usually a hug. It is powerful to see the strength in the family. The strength of love and commitment. Pam and I always have a tissue near by because the tears flow. It's REAL!

How powerful it is for teens to share the truth of who they are and parents their to give support and encouragement. We know they will be tested. Life will test them. There will be life challenges that will make their walk difficult at a given point of choice. Will they choose wisely the behavior that reflects who they are? Will their choice be that young man or young women of integrity that they claim in a moment of honest clarity? We know not all the time. Our walk is not about perfection, it is about GROWTH. I remember clearly a returning teen just starting the camp pulled me aside and said "Wayne, High School doesn't care Who I Am." I agreed not all the time and asked the most important question..."DO YOU?"

Being Who We Are is our true north! It is a way that grounds us to make the best life choices. Taking time to go inside and discovering our trues selves and then actualizing it in our lives. In other words making it real experiencing the power of being true to oneself. It is a life of freedom. I will always remember my friend Justin who shared with me following his Focus experience that he was in job interview and asked on of those no win questions. He gave his best answer by saying, "I'm not sure what I would do in that moment, but I do know that what ever decision I made, I would make sure at the end of the day I could look myself in the mirror and know I had not lost WHO I AM!

We have our next exciting Focus Series starting July 8-10 in Kansas City. Share your medicine and help someone gain the tools to  live out of their true self and enjoy the abundance of BEING WHO THEY ARE!

Be, Do Have,

Wayne