The Art of Reframing

“The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven out of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”  ~John Milton

One of my favorite people in Kansas City is Joe Colaizzi. Joe runs the KC Rescue Mission. I have never known Joe to do anything differently since I have been in Kansas City, and Pam and I have lived here for 23 years. During those years, he has championed the cause for homeless men and their needs (Emotional, Mental, Physical and Spiritual). Tirelessly and faithfully, Joe and his staff commit themselves daily to this cause. One day Joe let a group of us know that he had received some disappointing news…they were losing the building they were using to provide shelter, food and other support for the homeless men. Joe also said that ‘he only had a few months to find a new place that would accommodate their needs.’ 

My first thought was, “How overwhelming!”  It’s not like he needed something else to do! Is it not enough that he carries this huge responsibility, but now he must find a new place in such a short period of time??

But, how Joe handled this situation was very different, he told everyone ‘how excited he was about this opportunity.’ He said he ‘couldn’t wait to see how God was going to move and make this situation better than any the Rescue Mission had ever seen.’ Wow! He was excited! Not overwhelmed.

Joe then continues to tell us he ‘can’t wait to see the results in 3 months’ and went on to say he ‘was absolutely caught off guard and had no idea what was going to happen.’ …LOL!  It was remarkable to see how, in the face of misfortune, Joe remains energized, hopeful and uses his Faith to lean on and give him vision and direction. He shifts from problem to opportunity!

Joe gave us a great example of “Reframing”. It is an art. He may have moved a position or shifted his energy, regardless, the “reframing” set him in a direction to problem-solve and meet his challenge.

What is going on in your life where you might need a fresh perspective to deal effectively with today? What do you need to “REFRAME?” I am sure you all have heard the saying “where ever you go, there you are,” …but, what are you bringing with you when you arrive? Hopefully, it is not like the negative energy of an Igor! 

Be like Joe:  Look for the Challenge to become the Opportunity. The best question to ask is not always, “how do I get out of this?” But “what do I need to get out of this?” Practice your Reframing and make the difference you desire.

Also, in case you were wondering… Joe Colaizzi and the KC Rescue Mission have since moved into a remodeled building with more space and new everything with the help of several local corporations and supporters.

Play it Real this Holiday Season

Tis the Season, Right? 

Well, for many people the idea of getting with family presents a challenge. “Can we all just get along?”

Therapists love the Holidays because it is job security. When people go home it is easy to pick the old role you use to play when you were a child. It is a survival role and while it may have helped you in some way, it is not who you are today. Here are a few roles people fall into when they return home:

            Hero – If I am good enough it will make everyone feel better and be better

Scapegoat/Rebel – I will take the focus off of the dysfunction in my family and I will be the problem

Clown – I will keep people laughing so they won’t deal with the pain or any serious issues

Mascot – I am the darling of the family, the one that walks in the room and is beloved just because

Lost Child – I escape to my own world using electronics or whatever necessary to avoid interaction

Most people grow out of these roles as we mature and gain more awareness, but the patterns are automatic when we return home or we are under stress. One does not even have to think about these behaviors; they are waiting on you just like an ole familiar comfort zone will.

There is also a pecking order, or in Focus talk a “power model.” Where do you fit in the family hierarchy? Watch how your pets will establish dominance. Who will be the “alpha” dog? The same is true in the family. Who has to establish their position? You may not feel you need to until you find yourself in some meaningless argument that you would have ignored completely in any other situation. In other words, you are not really fighting over who should be President or what team should win in the playoffs, as much as trying to get needs met that did not get met when you were younger. Or it could be the family trying to keep its order, or what is called “homeostasis.” The old order, or homeostasis, is based on old norms when you were younger and not representive of your growth and maturity today.

So this Holiday YOU can take your AWARENESS with you and not get caught up in the “auto pilot,” or comfort zone of the family. BE YOU! BE the Wise, Aware YOU. Avoid the entrapments that can happen as others play out these roles. Remember your boundaries that work for you today and they will work for you at home for the Holidays. Take breaks that allow you to maintain your sense of self and awareness. When you start to feel tension, take a step back and try to see what is really going on. What is your stuff and what belongs to others? It really does help to know your stuff and own it. Be quick to apologize when you do blow it and let others know you are a work in progress. This will model what others can do when they blow it too.

Enjoy your time off and take care of yourself, Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. In Focus terms “find good fuel!”

Merry Christmas and many blessing for the New Year,

H. Wayne McKamie, Jr.

President and Co-Founder of Focus Seminars of KC, INC.

Is your life Love Based or Fear Based?

Training isn’t Over!

Loved Based or Fear Based?

     When we’re asked that question, it can be immediately sobering because we have to go inward to assess before we can answer. At times, so much of our life is in “auto pilot,” and before we can answer that question accurately, we must do a “check-in.” So, “check-in” right now. If you have been coming from a fear based perspective, you will, of course, have a feeling of anxiety or anger, sadness, or even numbness. Keep in mind--it isn’t easy to know if we are fear based because we are all pretty well-guarded. It is our armor that we wear every day to go and do life. Let’s call it our “survival self.” Sometimes it takes a significant event, or for things to build up inside us, before we become aware of what we are feeling. The quickest way to know is to ask … “Am I LOVING?” We will know immediately if we feel loving or not. Often we will say “I’m busy” or “I’m tired” or even “I’m puzzled”, etc...

     But, I am sure of one thing-- and it is that I am always better in my relationships if I am loving.  I am more patient, understanding, sensitive, caring, ALIVE and in the moment. I am more myself.

     So, here is the “given point of choice” … What do you choose for the rest of the day? As you go through this active or inactive day, what is it that you will choose? It is up to you. Go create the day you are made for.

On behalf of the Focus Team I wish all of you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Wayne

President and Founder of Focus Seminars of Kansas City, INC.